s i x p e g s

fashion, music, fun, love and everything about my life.

Two funerals and a wedding

with 10 comments

It will soon be my younger brother’s wedding day in less than a week’s time and everyone at home
(i.e. my mom) has been busy for the last few weeks buying wedding stuff, distributing invitation cards,
calling and texting friends and relatives to inform everyone about the wedding party,
personally doing up the guest list and seating arrangements of the banquet, buying the strange items one
might need for a traditional Chinese customary ceremony, basically everything the couple does for a wedding, and amidst all that,
doing regular groom’s mom stuff like shopping for new dress and shoes.

It gives me mixed emotions when I see my mother like that.
As much as a wedding will soon be happening in the family, I can’t feel any happiness or thrill.

Instead, I am overwhelmed with frustration and disappointment thinking about how self centered my brother is, how he has done absolutely nothing to help my mother.
He is rude to my mother when my mother asks him for his opinion on things or ask him to help out.
He says that he is busy and does not want to be involved in the planning of the wedding,
or fork out a cent because this whole “banquet thing” was my parents’ idea, not his.
My mother asked him to shop for or order a hand bouquet for the bride on the wedding day,
and his excuse was he is too busy and has no time, plus, there is no need for a hand bouquet.
When requested by the bride’s side (that a hand bouquet is required), he told my mother to get it for him.
And when Mom said she is busy too, he threatened that he won’t go for the ceremony then.
“No flower, no groom”. His exact words.

My mother forwarded me the voice message she received from my brother.
The thought of him makes my blood boil. She is my mother too.
Why does he even deserve care and concern when he is not a single bit appreciative, is pompous and rude,
is so unbelievably self centered?

I am afraid of having children because of people like him.

At the same time, I hate it but I wish I was half as fortunate as him.
Because why is everyone fussing over his wedding even when the groom is not interested,
but not one family member has asked me how my wedding in America was like?

I am not complaining.
Because I know it is not easy.
We have never once tried to hide who I really am but I know it is still not easy for someone in my family to come up to me and ask me with glee how the ceremony in America was like.
Not even easy to talk about it.

How will it ever be easy?
I mean, sometimes when introducing A to strangers, I don’t even have the balls to say she is my girlfriend.
Or let alone now, my wife.
“My partner”, I would usually say; hiding behind the ambiguity of business partner / life partner.

How do I expect people to be brave when I am so timid myself?

But then again, I won’t know whether it is good to be too brave too,
because I don’t want to be “out and loud”, because behaving that way might make
some people uncomfortable or awkward. And because I care (very much) how people around me feel.
Am I such a shame?

Back here, people always ask heterosexual couples who have been dating for a while
“when they are getting married?”
But even when two persons of the same sex have been seeing each other for years,
they will always be introduced to relatives and friends of the family as, “good friends”.

There is no doubt that I am considered very fortunate compared to a lot of people like me.
At least my parents did not disown or forsake me, nor send me to a shrink or priest thinking I am sick.
I always like to think that our families have accepted us.
But deep down, I know that is not the entire truth;
I know it might still take a very long time for them to accept us, for us.
And that day might never come.
Every time this thought comes to mind, a part of me dies.

But I do not blame them. Not one single bit.
Because how can I ever blame them?

It is easy to have a gay neighbor, easy to make a new gay friend,
perhaps easy for some to realise that a brother is gay,
but how many parents can come to terms with a gay daughter or son?

I am not trying to be out and loud and proud, or a fierce activist of any sorts.
I am just a girl who looks forward to being married to someone I love.
I also dream of nice wedding dinners, spending a wonderful night celebrating with people who are happy to celebrate with me.
I am just trying to be myself.

A says that the world is so big.
We should not limit ourselves.
We might be nothing here, but one day, if we move to America, damn, we can buy a house together and it will be ours.
We can have a child and we will both be legal parents.
The world is how big you want it to be, and always just see the world as this small small Singapore world.

Why has this small world created so many small people?

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Written by SIXPEGS

December 12, 2015 at 11:03 pm

Posted in Rambles

10 Responses

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  1. thank you for being so honest with your feelings. you are brave the moment you decided to be open about your life to your readers. you can be anywhere and still feel small .. but when you look at the person you love, i hope it reminds you of how big this life can be, and the possibilities it has to offer. and when you celebrate your milestones, i hope it will set your hearts aglow and remind you of how brave you both were <3

    Melissa L

    December 13, 2015 at 11:12 am

  2. I understand the feeling you are having. Is when you feel that you are afraid of having this partner and yet you feel that everyone else will reject you. But at least you know that your family and A will be there for you. You and A did the right choice to love. Some day, one day others will understand. You are still one of the bravest person who is willing to chase for your own happiness. Stay strong!

    jmo

    December 13, 2015 at 8:39 pm

  3. Congrats Peggy + Aileen
    你說你能感受得到
    我聽得出那份矛盾
    對不起也不好意思

    我了解也感受得出
    你的在乎你的緊張
    不要擔心不要乱想

    順其自然不再怀疑
    因為珍惜依然是你
    坦白真诚也只是你

    不求緣分不求默契
    只求平靜開心享受
    如有雜聲自尋快樂

    活在當下爱情萬歲
    人生苦短何必解释
    爱leen爱你最重要

    tiwe

    December 14, 2015 at 10:33 pm

  4. Hi Peggy,
    you are always my inspiration( and i hope i dont come across as being too obsessive). Reading your post always makes me feel that you are very down to earth and frank.My parents never accepted the fact that im dating a girl, and it caused a big hoo ha in the family when i told them. Hence now i do not speak of my other half at all infront of them, and even if i told some frenz that i was dating a gal i always referred to her as my other half.
    Im still learning, and accepting it as it is, and its not easy, so im really happy to your post cuz it motivates me.
    once again, congrats to you and A. :)

    fuhlora

    December 15, 2015 at 1:01 pm

  5. Its hard to care about how others feel all the time. What matters most is, you are happy. And from your ig, I can tell that you (and A) are enjoying every bit of the time in the States. Your smile, even from the photo is contagious. Though we had never (or probably will never) see each other, I feel really happy for u and A :))) Very proud of you girls too. Hope one day, me and my partner can also hold that piece of paper at the City Hall! True love conquers. True that from you and A. Congrats once again :)))

    sam

    December 16, 2015 at 2:43 am

  6. Hi Peggy, after reading this post, I feels a little angry for your mom, and of course I am really happy for you and A. You’re really someone who is very down to earth. What I could say that you’re really someone whom are so brave with your own feelings towards A. Your IG, your blogpost had always been putting a smile on my face ;) is awesome, isn’t it?

    It’s not easy. Never easy for someone else’s to understand we are dating/marrying a girl. But your actions proves it all in IG. And I’m certain, you and A will create more bundle of happiness in the future, and I’m looking forward for the both of your happiness whether in SG or America.
    Now you both are married, 活在當下吧!你們要幸福喔!❤️

    Alice

    December 17, 2015 at 1:05 pm

  7. Congrats to you and Aileen! She’s such a good person for you, cherish all that you have and don’t mind the petty details/pple. Be happy and be free. :)

    WF

    December 20, 2015 at 2:39 pm

  8. I am dating a girl at the moment and have plans to settle down with her. However we’re not as lucky because both our parents are not supportive of the idea of it. Thus, creating endless obstacles. it is hard, very hard. Sometimes I fear that I’ll be living a life like that for the rest of my life should i continue this path. As much as I fully understand such restrictions are only so because we’re in SG/asia country, when we move to a gay-friendly state, the ‘whole world’ changes, I can have kids, i can have houses legally, biologically. But, the question is, do we/i/you/me want to move to somewhere so far away from our friends and family? Missing important milestones and festivities with them? And, when one of the parent falls sick/ill due to old age, I don’t think I can bear being so far away from them knowing they are unwell.

    i love my girl alot, but sometimes I wonder if I’m deluding myself from the reality of life. I wish there could be someone I could discuss this about, but most of my friends are heterosexuals. thinking out loud. your posts made me feel not so alone in this whole battle.

    karen

    December 28, 2015 at 12:19 am

  9. You have no idea how this post saved my life.
    Thank you so much. Before this, I pegged you as just another pretentious SG blogger; I couldn’t be more wrong. I’m sorry. And again, thank you for this post.

    I wish we both live long enough to see SG as a country filled with love and acceptance.

    Rose

    January 2, 2016 at 11:45 am

    • I hope we both live long enough to see Singapore that way too. :) Thank you for leaving me with such a positive and uplifting post, Rose!

      sixpegs

      January 2, 2016 at 10:34 pm


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